I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
