Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
