Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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