I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
