You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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