Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
