I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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