i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
