I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
