The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
