went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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