Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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