I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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