I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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