my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
