just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
There are leaves in my underwear?
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