Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
