mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
