how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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