your parents love me but you hate me
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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