i just wanna soil my oats bro
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
