I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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