my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
