every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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