We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
