i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
