Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
