I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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