I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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