how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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