i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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