Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I can't turn off my feet"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
