I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
