Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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