He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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