There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
