stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
