You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
