Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
