2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
