i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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