My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
