i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
