I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
