I wish my penis had an off switch
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
