Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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