my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
