is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
