I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
