M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
