Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
